Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE?

ALARM!!!!!!! (No, wait---never mind)

I'm just a lowly caveman trying to survive in this crazy world, which is why I live as far from the U.S.-Mexico border as I can. You see, I believe Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer when she says human skulls are rolling through the streets like Janeane Garofalo's bowling ball from Mystery Men, causing endless damage to vehicle bumpers and flattening small rodents willy nilly. I believe it when Texas Congressman Michael McCaul warns that the border has "never been more violent or dangerous" and that "Anyone who lives down there will tell you that." Anyone will tell you that?ANYONE!!! And I believe it when Texas Congressman John Culberson says "border violence is OUT OF CONTROL!!!"

[Note: BiPM will be blogging the rest of this post from his fortified bunker---the one guarded by the demon sheep he rented from Carly Fiorina. No solicitors, please.]

Naturally, the goal of Mexico is to sneak its entire population into the United States illegally so they can literally lift a state off its foundation, drag it back home, and gorge on the spoils. (My source: some web site with a lot of American flags and banner ads offering any Ann Coulter or Jerome Corsi book for 25 cents---a 50 percent discount off the regular price!)

So I was a bit surprised when I read Friday's front-page story---and the five subsequent sub-stories---in USA Today about the border situation. It turns out that it's possible to "analyze" "more than a decade of detailed crime data reported by more than 1,600 local law enforcement agencies in four states, federal crime statistics and interviews along the border from California to Texas" to come up with a "conclusion." My own conclusion is, I think the illegals have taken over USA Today, because this reads like a total smokescreen designed to conceal their nefarious intentions:

The analysis found that rates of violent crime along the U.S.-Mexico border have been falling for years---even before the U.S. security buildup that has included thousands of law enforcement officers and expansion of a massive fence along the border.

U.S. border cities were statistically safer on average than other cities in their states. Those border cities, big and small, have maintained lower crime rates than the national average, which itself has been falling.

But the right-wing freedom fighters down south-and-west-somewhat who are sounding the loudest alarms and painting the bleakest picture of border mayhem are just concerned about our welfare, right? I mean?right???

The appearance of an out-of-control border region, though, has had wide-ranging effects---stalling efforts to pass a national immigration reform law, fueling stringent anti-immigration laws in Arizona and elsewhere, and increasing the amount of federal tax dollars going to build more fencing and add security personnel along the southwestern border. [?]

"Everything looks really good, which is why it's so distressing and frustrating to read about these reports about crime going up everywhere along the border, when I know for a fact that the numbers don't support those allegations," Tucson Police Chief Roberto Villase�or said. [?] "I'm not trying to paint a picture here that nothing ever happens, because it does," El Paso Police Chief Greg Allen said. "But some have tried to suggest that El Paso is a violent city just because of its location. Unfortunately, some people's misperceptions have become their reality."

They even provide a handy border crime map. Some will interpret it to mean our border is much, much safer than we thought. I interpret it to mean Mexico and their bowling-ball skulls may be planning a flanking maneuver. But from where, Spock? From...WHERE???

As hard as it may be to shed my old beliefs, though, I think I'm going to have to reconsider my position on issues related to the now-not-lawless Mexican border. Sensible and comprehensive immigration reform, for example, should be enacted ASAP---duh.

But for now I'm gonna continue spending my weekends parked in a lawnchair at the Canadian border. If Mexico tries to sneak into Maine from the north, I want to be there to yell "STOP!!!" And then present them with my list of all the reasons why they should go next door and steal New Hampshire instead.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

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